i know i need to write more on this. life has been crazy and the last thing i want to do is get on line and write it all down... but here i am doing it. holly is studying. i am emailing. rap is playing as other people converse. Free Ballard!
the reason for my general malais is my tax situation. no one ever told me or showed me how to run my own business.... so again this year i find myself suffering from not managing my taxes very well. it's not like i'm rolling in the dough... it hasn't been because of neglect. it's more like saving for the year isn't the first thing on your mind when you're barely scraping by every month.
oh well. i don't mean to complain. somewhere right now there is a little 9 year old thai girl being forced to have sex with an american foreigner... so considering, i'm golden.
that was a sobbering thought.
hmm... i must pray....
this financial stuff just feels more like a sucker punch to the ego, you know? it's really hard being an artist. first, i have a little voice in my head that is constantly telling me that i need to get a real job. and i don't have a huge group of voices to counter that in my life. more just like the Spirit and my wife holly... but she even has limits to the little money that comes in (and rightly so). secondly, creating is exhausting. it's a constant pouring out of yourself. like this week... i've just needed a few chill days to restore myself before i'm in the bump and grind of another three weeks of creating. and thirdly... i think this is the hardest and what's hitting me now... is you step out and try your best to create and do it.... really put yourself out there and trust this is what the Lord has led you into.... but when you hit those walls... it's totally devasting.
i feel there now.
holly and i talked about me finding more work.
i'm totally up for it and know that more money needs to come in. it's just hard to ignore that voice that tells you your endeavors just couldn't quite validate your monitary needs... and therefore... you've failed.
i know this is a lie. it's just a humbling place to be. i'm sure i'll feel differently in two days. it's just tonight, writing on this blog.... i'm in a real fragile place.
i went and saw the Frames last night at the showbox. they are one of holly and i's favorite bands.
they have this great song called "i want my life to make more sense to me."
i'm so there right now.
night ya'll
4 comments:
Hey Scott! Just letting you know that I checked out your blog w/ recent paintings and explanations here... You consistently do great work! God has truly Blessed and anointed you with an awesome and impactful gift! Keep trusting and letting the Lord guide and use you for His glory! God is going to do awesome things in you & your family's life!
Ephesians 3:20 (amplified)
Now unto Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams].
-
- After these things, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, I am your Shield, your abundant compensation, and your reward shall be exceedingly great. Genesis15:1
I feel your pain.. so does my brother.. he just got hit with a 9k tax bill.
Hang in there.. do what you have to pay the bills.. don't feel bad, I admire your courage... just tell God that he isn't paying you enough and you are going to seek his will and some more money. If those things conflict then ask for a raise or a change of plans.
He's your Dad.. he'll take care of you.
Hey there! Hope you are well and glad you can get a little catharsis with the post. The reality that you and Holly have to run every aspect of your call seems understandably daunting. Kind of like solo pastors who are forced into being experts at everything. Big shock . . .none of us really can do it. Dude . . . i am SURE you have some folks who would help you do the things that hold you back from fully doing your art. If I were up there, i would totally help out in some way. Gather some friends, supporters, etc. share a vision for your ministry and see who is up for an adventure!
The Jews were led "about" the wilderness. God could have taken them straight from point A to B, but they had some learning to do. If your calling isn't currently putting food on the table and keeping lights on (or keeping the KGB....er.....IRS from calling), it could simply be that God has something else for you on the way to your eventual promised land. I hope that you don't mind the unsolicited advice.
Post a Comment