tour over

saturday morning... sitting at the franklins house for breakfast. jason walks into the room with puffy wet eyes. "my father-in-law died this morning.... i need to get back to georgia... today."

we changed tickets for him and he got a flight out of san francisco intstead of LA. we drove from fresno all the while jason took calls from family and friends either making plans or talking through the mornings scenario.

we spent the day in frisco doing touristy things. we went to in n out burger. drove across the golden gate bridge. drove down lombard street. went to china town. all this to just pass the time until we took him to the airport. they were fun events. it's just hard when you want to go somewhere, but you can't get there immediately... it's hard to just wait and do nothing.

jonathan is coming with me to seattle... to help with the long drive.
we've been debriefing each other and trying to work out all of our feelings about the tour ending.

this, for us, isn't just some thing we decided to do because we didn't have anything else going on. it was a planned artistic performance we have been dreaming up for awhile. it's been a rocky start as well. small audiences. learning to work together. fine tuning our set. not a lot of money. these first four shows were like the lame shows of the set. and we were stoked for the last five. good audiences. set payment. close proximity to one another...

and now that's all ended. just like that. jason goes home to grief and loss, and we drive back to seattle maybe breaking even.

it's hard to not feel like we failed. not that we did. events that are bigger than any of our artistic endeavors came around and changed our plans. so we have to roll with it.

i'm not sure what to make of it. i need to shower and get driving. maybe in another blog i'll make sense of it all.

worst show ever

www.lessismoretour.com | Fresno, CA


we walked into the "venue" yesterday and immediately began laughing. we were skeptical of the place already, since we found out it was in room 101 of the industrial technology building on the campus of fresno state university. the room was an older lecture hall... off white walls, stadium seating, flourescent lighting.....
all the no no's of creating an intimate concert/conversational setting.

we don't know a lot of people in fresno anyway, so we were relying on the social contacts of the people who were hosting us. it turns out that this friday night was the worst possible night to do a show in fresno... for three artist who don't have very much draw and aren't famous at all. there was a huge high school football game, college sports, college groups retreats for the few people we know... etc etc.

you get the picture.

but we did the show anyway. with ten people scattered throughout the lecture hall. with a mike taped to a metal pole we found in the closet. with flourescent lighting in all it's glory. we did it.

we decided in albany (also a weakly attended show) that no matter how many people came, no matter what the circumstances, we would put on the best show we could. this is a hard thing to do mind you. it's a very vulnerable thing to perform. jason put it this way: it's like growing up in front of an audience. it can be awkward and very personal... but you still have to put it out there. it helps when the venue is fantastic, there is a large crowd with a lot of buzz... these things add to the overall concert experience and being vulnerable on stage is not so bad then. but to be in bad lighting, no audience, horrible sound and setting.... it's just plain old awkward.

this sounds so cliche.... but integrity is not what you do in front of everyone, but what you do in front of no one. integrity is who you are in front of yourself, and how well you live in those circumstances. in this situation, i think anyone would be empathetic to our situation and would not be down on us if we just wanted to bag the whole thing and go hang out with our fresno friends. seriously, it was a poorly planned event. but we decided to do it. and there is something to that.

i know that i will fight feelings of entitlement my whole life. i am a product of my culture. i expect things to be a way and when they are not i am pissed about it and just want to give up and go be comfortable. and i'll admit while performing in a lecture hall, with hardly an audience, and a doubtful monetary payoff for the whole thing, i wanted to just walk off stage and vent to someone about the whole thing.

but i shut my mouth and just did it.

mind you, this action doesn't deserve any recognition or pat on the back. for me it was just another way to keep my ego in check. to keep me humble and realize that what i have isn't the greatest thing in the world. to position me in a stance that says to serve is better than to be served. and that if no one sees this inward struggle, and if there is no pay off... my Lord sees this, and in fact, takes delight in the response to these situations. when it really comes down to it, living the artist life really matters to an audience of One. i could try to judge it against the eyes of men... but his opinions fluctuate constantly to the next big thing and that rat race seems like a dead end street. for me, i believe who i am as an artist and what i do really matter in the eyes of one who never changes.

he gave me this gift. and it's not hard to imagine that at the end of my life, he might want to know how i used it for the good of others. i think these little instances of character matter in the greater scheme of my life. if i can't be responsible in small things, how could i be responsible in the big things i hope to experience and accomplish in my life?

ok... i'll stop be so philosophical.

we had a good laugh at the whole thing.

you can probably see a video on www.lessismoretour.com

so that's that...

how do you make new work?

I went to my friend kristen's art opening last night. it was a multi artist show just up the street at the phinney neighborhood center. She had three paintings up, which i really liked... but i always like her stuff. she was getting ready to leave when i arrived, and i had only 10 minutes to look around, so we walked out chatting together.

kristen is an artist i really respect. she moved from figurtive work to abstract about four years and has made some fantastic paintings. she's thinking about grad school as well... but deliberating over the 60 G fee.

as soon as we walked outside kristen exclaimed, "Scott, what are we doing with our lives!" this is mostly in reference to being painters. i said i felt like i was just on auto pilot getting work done for shows. she said she might have to punch me to wake me up. (fight club moment? maybe...) i asked her what she meant.

she said she felt like she wanted to make new work, but she didn't even know what that looked like and she didn't know how to do it. she said she could still just make abstract work and she would definitely make new stuff... but she wanted to evolve, to do something new....

i told her that i wanted the exact same thing.

i felt like the work i have been creating for months is exactly the same... and it bores me. i need to evolve, to go to the next plateau.... but how? how do you make new work? maybe this is wierd for some of you who are not artists. so let me explain it a bit. every artist has their style... some people call in your "significance." this is basically what makes your work recognizable. when you see a van gogh, you know it's him. or a warhol. or a rothko.... they all have a look. they have all found their significance. even though you can see growth in their work, they have found their thing.

kristen and i don't really feel like we have found our significance. i definately think we are on that road, but no where near the end. so how does one get their significance? here's the funny thing... you can't consciously choose it. it comes with just creating all the time for years. you basically stumble upon it more than decide what you want it to be. so the only way to get to it is to keep creating all the time. then one day, you have it.

this is a frustrating journey... yet grand at the same time. i think kristen and i are in one of the many obstacles to being great artists.... the obstactle of not giving up.

i want to evolve. i want to grow. i want to make new work that i think is great.
but where do i start? so many options.

kristen and i vowed to keep going. so we will. and it's good to have a friend to keep journeying with. i feel like i have many artists to do that with. and that makes me blessed.

i don't want to forget....

I came across this image yesterday as i was researching pictures for a project i'm doing for WorldVision. It's a young man who has suffered some of the consequences of the Darfur conflict.

I can't get it out of my mind. I don't know what to do with it.

I'm ready this book called "the dangerous act of worship" by mark labberton. it's about worship in the context of God... but it really doesn't have much to do with music and services. He says our major response in worship to God scripturely is micah 6:8... to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with our God. He says that the north american churches silence and uninvolvement with world justice issues and local justice problems comes from our lack of true worship. we are focused on the astethical things, and not the things of God's heart, which is what worship is to help bring us too.

i think he is totally right.
so i'm seeking how to live this out.

but this picture....
it's horrible. i don't have words to cope with it. and this kind of abuse and suffering is so prevelant in the world. i want to hold onto this picture cause it totally takes out the legs from under me.

i live in a culture that keeps pushing me towards the ridiculous and shallow. i should know more about paris hilton and who's hot or not instead of what it means to be truly human. i'm told to keep buying ridiculous shit for myself (skymall!) instead of learning how to give to those in need. this picture gets me to the heart of the debate really quick.

therefore, i don't want it to leave me.

i hate that i'm so groomed to resist suffering and pain.
but the truth is... at least in this lifetime, this is where we find God and we can save our souls from a meaningless spiral downward into self indulgence.

i wish i knew this boy.
i pray for his life.

Miscellaneous Awesome

I had the wierdest day today... and as i'm sitting here going through stacks of paper... i just want to write it down. mostly to get it out of my head befor i go to bed...

* i had the strangest dream last night. i wish i wrote it down this morning when i could have remembered it all. in the dream some accident had happened to me and my friends. i had gone into a coma (although i did not know this). when i woke up (in my dream) i found out that i had lived and everyone else had died. it was very sad. the saddest was not knowing and having my other friends tell me what had happened while i was in a coma. i woke up very sad this morning. i wanted to tell my wife in the darkened bedroom... but i didn't want to bum her out either

* i went to prayer. i meet with a group of people on tuesday mornings and we pray.... mostly for the city, but our lives come up as well. it struck me this morning how many of us are in transitional stages right now. in fact all of us were. new jobs. new homes. new communities. new geographical locations. transitions are always hard because the rythym of your life is off and eveything seems very up in the air.

* my friend brian was visiting from california so i let him have my care today as i was working a lunch shift at the green lake bar and grill. we stopped by my studio on the way to work to drop off some art supplies and to pick up a painting that my manager wants to buy. i also gave brian another painting that was just sitting around. he loved it. it was one of the VW paintings.

* my manager today said that when he gets back from greece (which he's leaving for in a week) he wants to go out with me and justin ( the bartender) and get really drunk. i told him i was game but i wasn't a fun drunk. i just get tired. but if we went karoaking....

* my coworker megan gave me these random encouraging words today... about how much she likes working with me and she thinks i'm awesome. it's wierd when you feel uneventful, even blah, and yet there are people around you who perceive you differently....

* i got off of work and skateboarded home... still wearing my tie.

* brian was at home when i got there and we cruised over to green lake for a swim. i usually swim half the lake, out to this buoy, and then back. he kept right along and almost beat me. while we were out there, i had totally forgot to look out for crew boats.... and while we were sleeping them came by. the boat people get a little cocky... they have the mentality that they own the place. i whistled in mockery of them....

* driving brian to the airport.... he gave me a bunch of cool music this week. we were listening to some gabriella and so and so (can't remember)... which is kickin classical guitar music. brian asked, "how do you classify this kind of music?" I said that you could make a "miscellaneous awesome" folder.

* while we were driving, we were in slow traffic driving on this over pass by the downtown. down below, i saw these two dudes beating up another guy. he had blood coming out of his mouth and he yelled "help!" to the cars passing. i yelled "hey" out my window, but the other two guys didn't stop or flinch or anything. i saw the main aggressor just deck the guy across the other guys face. i couldn't stop though. i was in moving traffic and about 25 ft above them. we just had to keep going. it was so depressing. we both felt sick to our stomachs with powerlessness.

*holly and i made tacos together for dinner. we invited about four other people to join, but nobody could come. we were the only ones around....

* our friend annie just moved in down in the basement apartment. she is super swamped, as we all are, and there is a lot of cleaning and fixing things that needs to happen. especially her bathroom. we basically need to scrap the whole wall in the shower and tile it. also the light was broken. we rolled to fred meyers and got the paint remover. we fixed the light but i spent time scrapping and scrapping.... it has to be one of the most suckiest jobs i've done. it's still not done though.... not for a while. so annie has to come up and use our bathroom. i think she's cool with it. we just want her place to rock. we are excited to have her her.

*holly wants to go to bed and i'm writing this blog. so i should end.

not a monumental day in the history of man. but just a strange one to live.
if you read this whole thing, you have a better attention span than me.

SMALL

i was at a christian music festival last weekend painting a fifteen foot mural over the weekend. it's kind of weird for a painter to be there i know.... but i was in the worship tent. there are a lot of things that come to mind when i use phrases such as "christian music festival" and "worship tent".... it actually kind of gives me a stomach ache. if you were to ask me what i thought it was that i was doing, i would tell you that i was asked to listen to God and to make an art piece on what i heard and saw from Him. and that's just what i did.

this might also be a strange statement, but God has been training me over the last years in the prophetic. now when we talk about "prophecy", we are not talking about telling the future. A Prophetic word or speaking the prophetic is just revealing God's word to a person or people. It's always backed up with scripture, so something that God has already said, and it's conveying it in a present way to which God wants to speak to something. so since the nature of what i do is sit and listen to God, and then create what i see, i have come to see that part of what God has me doing is being a prophetic voice for Him. It's not glamorous at all... but it does bring you to crazy places.....

This weekend, the pictures i got were all out of Revelation. so some might think they are future telling... and they could very well be. but do you know what the whole title for revelation is? it's not just "revelation" as in revelations just about whatever. the title of the book is "the revelation of Jesus Christ". (see rev 1:1). so this book is about revealing who Jesus is.

i'll try to post some pictures of the mural and link it to this blog... but the content of the painting coudl be another post. i do think the message was important.

what i wanted to comment on is how God's prophecy is revealed.


so i'm in this tent, off to the side of all the main stage stuff... where rock/alt christian bands are playing their sets and talking about the merch and latest cd.... and i'm by myself most of the days. the first few times i painted, i think there were like 3 seven year olds just hanging out watching me. they seemed to like it. they said they did anyway.

but it was just strange from my perspective. i've been spending all week praying and i'm getting these intense images and scripture passages.... it's all a very intense process. but when it comes time to reveal and create it... nobody's there. the revealing is small quite revelation. at first it was very humbling... because i struggle with wanting others to know the "importance of me" and what i'm doing... so that has to be taken care of. but after we got all through that, i was able to ask the lord what's up with this? why give me all this intense stuff, and have nobody see it?

i started to think back to my readings of jeremiah, isaiah, and ezekiel... thinking of all the strange things that god asked them to do. things like build minature cities or rip clothes and other odd things. i wonder how many people were around to see these things? probably not many. and there was for sure no grand music sountrack playing and non of it was on the jumbo screen at a packed out arena.

it took place in small ways in the midst of all the busy bigness of our lives.


i think we are often looking for God's voice in big obvious ways. and the big obvious ways that we get information or hear from others are through large media outlets and events. so we see christians adopt this same format and use these outlets for sharing their message. and i'm not saying that that is wrong. But in my short life with God, and as i come to know Him more and more, and see how He works, it seems to me that He is speaking and revealing things all the time... it's just not always on the "mainstage".

so we can go through life looking to the mainstage for God's messages.... and it might be on the outskirts in small ways. ways that we don't even recognize or give value to. but when His word and will have come to pass, we will see in retrospect His communication all throughout our day.

we just missed it.

my prayer is for eyes to see Him in the quiet small ways all around this life.
my hope for you is the same thing. May you hear and see an infinite God speaking into a finite loud world with His whispering small ways.

turning 30

i turned 30 yesterday with no big hub bub or fireworks show. Sometimes you think big events are supposed to happen in big ways... but most of the time they just pass like everyday events. It feels like a big deal to me though. Maybe it's my hope of something different. It's a new decade... the 20's have gone. They were great, but kind of a bi-polar decade. Great ups, painful downs.... I've heard that your 30's are a little more even keel. I hope so. I also hope they bring in a stepping up. Doing art, learning to be an artist... these things have been difficult. And not that i dont' think they won't continue to be that way... i guess i'm hoping to a least jump up to some new level of success and to keep moving. I feel like i've been in a rut lately. so who knows. that's my prayer anyway.

This is totaly cliche and cheesy, and not even good theology... but one thing that gives me hope is that Jesus didn't start his "ministry" until he was thirty. Now i'm not trying to say that 30 is the holy number to get your life going... but it does say something about timing, maturing, etc. i'm not going to write a book about it, it's just something that gives me a little hope in the possibilities of tomorrow.

with that... welcome 30's....