i know i need to write more on this. life has been crazy and the last thing i want to do is get on line and write it all down... but here i am doing it. holly is studying. i am emailing. rap is playing as other people converse. Free Ballard!
the reason for my general malais is my tax situation. no one ever told me or showed me how to run my own business.... so again this year i find myself suffering from not managing my taxes very well. it's not like i'm rolling in the dough... it hasn't been because of neglect. it's more like saving for the year isn't the first thing on your mind when you're barely scraping by every month.
oh well. i don't mean to complain. somewhere right now there is a little 9 year old thai girl being forced to have sex with an american foreigner... so considering, i'm golden.
that was a sobbering thought.
hmm... i must pray....
this financial stuff just feels more like a sucker punch to the ego, you know? it's really hard being an artist. first, i have a little voice in my head that is constantly telling me that i need to get a real job. and i don't have a huge group of voices to counter that in my life. more just like the Spirit and my wife holly... but she even has limits to the little money that comes in (and rightly so). secondly, creating is exhausting. it's a constant pouring out of yourself. like this week... i've just needed a few chill days to restore myself before i'm in the bump and grind of another three weeks of creating. and thirdly... i think this is the hardest and what's hitting me now... is you step out and try your best to create and do it.... really put yourself out there and trust this is what the Lord has led you into.... but when you hit those walls... it's totally devasting.
i feel there now.
holly and i talked about me finding more work.
i'm totally up for it and know that more money needs to come in. it's just hard to ignore that voice that tells you your endeavors just couldn't quite validate your monitary needs... and therefore... you've failed.
i know this is a lie. it's just a humbling place to be. i'm sure i'll feel differently in two days. it's just tonight, writing on this blog.... i'm in a real fragile place.
i went and saw the Frames last night at the showbox. they are one of holly and i's favorite bands.
they have this great song called "i want my life to make more sense to me."
i'm so there right now.
night ya'll
